dear diary,


I've never walked out of sunrise feeling the way i'm feeling now.
I've never thought that this day will actually come.

But it did.
And It hurts.

Diary, as much as it isnt easy for anyone out there, at the end of the day, diary, i am being hurt alot too.

And diary, do you once think that I'm enjoying all these now? No I'm not. It sucks.
Do you once think that I actually like all these to happen? No way. Never.

But it happened. I know my words now have no power or anything. Diary, I'm done.


Diary, I went over earlier. I didn't know what to do anymore. I had to be over, if you know what I mean.

No, I did not even ring the doorbell, as what I normally do. No diary, I cannot afford anyone to know that I'm there.

I know right now, no amount of sorry or gifts will actually prove anything.

But deep down inside, I wanna show that I've learnt. As much as a sinner am I, Surely, and I mean surely, diary, salvation has come.

Even a sinner has to be given a chance to change around, if not no matter how hard or much the sinner tries, it's not gonna work.

Diary, I really do hope that people understand.

Thank God for godly friends, who dun judge you base on ur wrongdoings or shortcomings. Because they know that life isnt perfect. Mistakes are surely being made. They judge me on the cross, telling me to start all over again, with sincerity and love.


That's what I was trying to send a message across, diary.

Do you think I've suceeded? Sigh.


Nonetheless, I know that no amount of gifts or anything, can prove anything for now.

And thus, I kneeled down. I cried during the whole time. I have no idea if anyone saw me but I dun really care at that time.

I kneeled down and kowtow 3 times. Though it really dont seem to help at all, and I bet they dun even know that I did that, not that it matters to them anyway, But at least something, diary. At least it made me feel a slight better, though the walk out was the most painful walk ever.



Diary, All I want is a chance to prove and redeem again.

If only you could speak. If only.


And I received an sms, moments ago. A sms that really broke me apart. Not from her, diary. But its from someone whom i've always respected and admire. Cant blame her for reacting that way, actually. No, I've not blame her a single bit at all.

I mean, If i were her, I would do the exact same thing too, if someone did that to my daughter. I would definitely be nastier. Much worse.

I blame myself only. And I do say that it's my fault. A sorry is all I could offer and a changefor good is what I can do for the future.

And when I read the sms over and over again, It just hurts so much. Tears fall down, diary. It fell. If only you could offer me tissue paper.



Alright diary, I'm not engaging in self pity, no no. I'm not pitying myself and I'm not finding excuses, or even trying to find a way out, whatsoever.

All I ask diary, is for a chance to learn and start all over again.



Its hard, like what my leader said. It's gonna be painful. Man, in fact, it already hurt till I cant take it anymore.

But you know what diary? I'm gonna be there still, even though it's gonna be really really painful. Probably 10 times worse than I'm feeling now. Because I know at the end of the day, It'll be a better future.


Thank you diary.